Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
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Breaking news:
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”