WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
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My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.