“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
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I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
oh you wanna fight?!
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have