8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
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When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
😂😂😂
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.