When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
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[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
as is their right
Des Moines Police having a normal one
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.