Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
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Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
The devil.
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?