With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
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[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.