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I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Jesus steals the winter solstice
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep