“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
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When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry