I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
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Bartenders are just boneless bars
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
This dude got his own movie?
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later