me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
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21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.