me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
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If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.