[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
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They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
*power walks to the refrigerator*
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…