4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
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Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
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GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more