[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
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If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
welcome back
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.