I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
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A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.