Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
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*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
In Canada they just call them geese
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
I hate my earbuds.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.