My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
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Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.