3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
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PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to