Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
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papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.