My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
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Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.