Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
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[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok