WHY?!
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Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more