How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
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Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too