*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
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Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….