I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
You Might Also Like
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.