Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
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Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…