Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
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As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
📂 ACME
└📁 Traps
└📁Elaborate traps
└📁 Roadrunner traps
└📁Elaborate roadrunner traps that work
└⚠️ This folder is empty
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*