every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
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Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
no regrets
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”