Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
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[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign