Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
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Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.