Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
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-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
can’t talk my ride’s here
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.