I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
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Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
Donating blood today to make room for more food
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”