Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
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Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!