The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
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Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Flock of bats
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.