Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
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I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
🤣🤣🤣
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.