[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
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can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.