how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
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*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
Me: So how old were you when you hacked your first person?
Friend: 6th grade
Me: Wow, you were good with computers early on in life.
Friend: Computers?
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
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🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy