(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
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now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”