One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
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I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Lunatics are gonna loon.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.