Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
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bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Safety first
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby