if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
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I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.