Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
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Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
2022 be like
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
handsome & gretel
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
I love wikipedia
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Sign of the day..
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.