The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
You Might Also Like
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all