I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
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Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
Merica.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
How it started How it’s going
Cheers Twitter.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them