Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
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Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.