thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
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soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.