The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
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Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.