My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.