There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
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My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Cabin crew: Is there a Dr on board?
Me: I am a Dr
Cabin crew: Thank God. We have a question about the 18th century textile trade in Northern Africa
Me: Ah. I’m afraid my PhD is in the ceramics of Northern Europe, 1672 – 1701
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee